Desperate for a change

I have a problem. When I am not feeling well I know that I am not a good company so I prefer to be alone and spend time on my own, because if I am among other people I feel pressured. I want to be more fun but I can't because I am down and I feel that I am bringing everybody down so that's why I am avoiding everything and everyone. Most people find it strange and they don't understand it. Even my friends have a problem with that but I think that they got used to it with time.

Lately I feel like that and when I say lately I mean a month now...I know. It's a long time. Maybe I am depressed..I don't know.

It's just that I feel that I am entering a period of my life where I am gonna experience a lot of big changes. Changes that I need so bad.

I haven't told you a lot of things about me so I think it's time to let you know me a little bit better. I am a 25 years old girl from Greece. I am still a college student but I will graduate in a couple of months, I just have to submit my final paper and I am done. I still live with my parents although most of the time I live alone. You see my father went to our other house in the village when he retired and so my mother is spending most of her time there and once in a while she comes to visit for a couple weeks.

Even though I kinda live alone, I am not independent. I don't have a job so no money honey and if you don't have your own money there goes your independence. 

The first time I lived away from home was three months ago when I went to live in London for two months. I got the taste of it and now I want more! Ever since I was in high school I kept saying that I want to live abroad and I want to be on my own etc etc This was the first time that my dreams took flesh and bones. I think that's why I feel so down now, because I want more..I need more of this independence otherwise I won't be true to what I was always saying. If I don't do it, if I don't go and live a abroad for longer this time I will be one of those people that I make fun of. The ones that talk only and never get to do anything.

I have to be honest, the thought of going abroad, finding a job and starting a new life from scratch is scary. Actually it's terrifying. I am afraid that I will have to live in shitty places, that I will be lonely etc but on the other hand I will be in charge of my life and this idea is just thrilling. I want to do it. I need to do it. 

That is why I don't feel like myself lately and I am down. Because I am stuck here trying to find a job to go back to London and I am saving money so I don't go out that much and on top of that I don't want to start all of my old habits here as I am afraid that if I do that I will never live and I will stay here forEVAH! Yes, I know that I am exaggerating now but this is how I feel and honestly it sucks.

All I have to do now is to suck it up and find ways that will help me to move on and to live the life that I always wanted to live. And yes it's pretty possible that I will not like it but I will never now if I won't try it first. I prefer to walk through what scares me and not let it keep me behind stuck in the same old things, in the same old life.

I cannot settle with that. I cannot settle with my life as it is now therefore I am forced to move forward to the unknown.

Love,
Arti xxx